Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
