My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
