Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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