3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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