I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
did you just send me my own nude
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
