I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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