I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
