i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
