Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
