I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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