Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
