true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I supernannyed him into submission
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
