This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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