I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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