I just gift wrapped bread.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I touched a dick in church today
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
