Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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