I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
