My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
So much Jack, so little girl.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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