oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
