He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
