she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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