Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
