Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
