Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
