the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
