Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
