im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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