i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
this hospital has no fireball
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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