I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
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