We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
