Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize