Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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