I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
