It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
How many fucks given?
0.12846
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
