my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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