I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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