ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
