It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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