Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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