I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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