Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
