Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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