he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
