It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize