Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
