Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
