I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize