is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
