I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
