she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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