If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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