I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
