3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
