I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
