I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
