there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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