history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
