Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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