Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
