i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She's the barista slut.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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