I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
