you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
