You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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