So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
