Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Dicks are not precious.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
