he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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