If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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